Published December 9, 2008
very short, I know
an attempt at some rhymes....yeah
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Raised voices ignore the walls between us
and envelope me in a cloud of gloom,
Each angry tone and bitter wish
Nail another seal to my sad mind, a dark tomb
The words are not meant to hurt me
But they still drive deep into my heart and hurt my soul
Despite my hiding, trying to ignore
The voices rise again, beating each other and grappling for control
I want them to stop, be reasonable, forgive
What happened to the family with whom I used to live?
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I don't know. This didn't really have nice imagery and the tempo was off. Also that it was a bit confusing at some parts.
The last line breaks the flow. The others were all right, but it all fell apart by the last line.
I don't know. This wasn't really good. I see what you tried to show and you also tried rhyming. So here goes:
Rhyming-Okay
Tempo-Off
Imagery-Some parts a bit confusing, but you get the idea.
Creativity- Needs a lot of work though.
Sorry if I'm mean.
Yeah, the rhyming and tempo is a bit off on this; I'm not a poetry nut though so I can't tell you to fix it.
This, for me, was the real problem area. Take out the bits I've struck here; there are some unnecessary additions and repetitions, without which, the lines flow a little better.
An ultimately mundane poem of no great skill or imagery, in my mind, but for what its worth, I get it.
Cheers